Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
