How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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