This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
