She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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