Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
