I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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