HIV tests are more positive than that guy
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
