New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
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