After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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