Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
