Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
