if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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