it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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