You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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