I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
How external is "for external use only"?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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