so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
