I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
