drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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