and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
last night I used snow as a chaser
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
