I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm at about main and main street
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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