I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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