Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
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He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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