I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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