You were right. It hurts to walk today.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
