Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
