I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
