im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
