If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
So apparently I’m into choking now
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