My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Randomize
