oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
