I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
