I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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