Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
