I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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