God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
