he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
