I can tuck mytits in my pants
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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