Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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