Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
