I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
