Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
