I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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