I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
