I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
