You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
