I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
