i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
