seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
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