we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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