dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
