i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
