I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
