It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
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