If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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