Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
