Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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